I simply completed the process of perusing "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. My age is 47 years old now. I am attempting to put on my standard energetic, cheerful face for the world however inside I am an entire disorder.
This book made me realize that I'm not alone in this world, at all. For almost forever this book keeps me companion, comforted, and help me to face my problems with alcohol. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Growing up was intense - my dad was a serial con artist, my mom had no self regard and overweight, disliked me was left to fight for myself more often than not. Inwardly, I was totally free.
This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.
One thing I learn at that time, that for a fat girl like me who want a sexual relation with the opposite gender, I have to be drunk as drunk as the boys, and maybe that's my chance to have it with them.
When I look back, I remember one day I woke up in a frat house in Montreal, beside me there is this guy totally naked in bed'.. But I felt relieved because I could've been end up in hospital, got badly injured, or worst I could've been pregnant, but I didn't.
Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.
After that comes a moment when I got married, I got pregnant twice, both I had it when I completely abstained of alcohol. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.
My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.
After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. In the mornings, what I do first is to go through my I-phone to find out whom I may have accidentally texted while being intoxicated.
Well there's more to it - one time I involved in forbidden relationship with a guy whose a father to my son's friend, the relationship was very intensely emotional, he got me hooked. With a couple of hugs as the only physical aspect of the affair yet it was as passionate and exciting compared to most relationships with a lot of emphasis on a physical connection. I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.
Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been crushed and lamenting this loss....and the drinking expanded.
My alcoholic beverage comforted me they alleviated the pain.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The drunken episodes:
This is my recovery... having my self in counselling, reading Ann's book, discovering this website, find out people with similar stories and read theirs. I sense like I am heading home.